


allowed

by dreamwayv



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Homophobia, Internalised Homophobia, M/M, bokuaka mentioned, jock kuroo, pray for kenma, v ooc kuroo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-11
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:02:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23105926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamwayv/pseuds/dreamwayv
Summary: tw// homophobia, internalised homophobia. pls dont read this if that triggers you its basically the entire plot-------kenma loved his best friend, he really did, but this side of kuroo kind of made him want to go roll around in a sewer and never be associated with him again.the half-blond suppressed yet another eye roll at kuroo's latest commentary on how weird it would be for two boys to be together "in that way" and how gross it is that that happens. kuroo looked over encouraging kenma to laugh along with him. kenma found himself unable to do anything but just stare with an unmoved expression.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 9
Kudos: 105





	allowed

having won their practice match against fukurodani, nekoma were in high spirits as they changed back into normal clothing. kuroo especially seemed to be buzzed in anticipation of their catch up meal with bokuto and akaashi that he and kenma were about to attend. however, kuroo in high spirits (especially around the team) meant kuroo 'peacocking' as kenma liked to call it.

this kuroo was almost unrecognisable from the boy that would sit and watch kenma play games and knew his favourite meal and exactly how he liked his tea. this kuroo was loud and obnoxious and a Jock in every worse sense of the word.

kenma had several theories about why kuroo felt the need to play up to this role so badly, his strongest possibility at the moment being he may not feel good enough as a captain and so overcompensates with more preformative jock behaviour. and for the most part, it was fine. it was just kuroo at a louder volume. but jock kuroo had opinions. opinions that kenma theorised (hoped) normal kuroo didn't actually agree with. opinions he joked about loudly and almost viciously.

and when it came down to it, all his theorising didn't change the fact that it hurt. it hurt so bad sometimes. kuroo laughing loudly at something someone said about "weirdo boys" and "gross fags".

kenma loved his best friend, he really did, but this side of kuroo kind of made him want to go roll around in a sewer and never be associated with him again. he knew there were reasons, reasons kuroo himself wasn't even aware of yet, but it was still vile to watch and kenma had yet to decide whether he thought those reasons were enough of a justification.

the half blond suppressed yet another eye roll at kuroo's latest commentary on how weird it would be for two boys to be together "in that way" and how gross it is that that happens. kuroo looked over encouraging kenma to laugh along with him. kenma found himself unable to do anything but just stare with an unmoved expression. kenmas mind strayed to bokuto and akaashi.

kuroo was good and kind and so, so caring so much of the time. it was just this. this character he seemed to be addicted to playing. kuroo was so good that kenma often found himself struggling to keep his feelings towards his friend completely platonic. but then he just had to remind himself of what kuroo seemed to think about those sorts of relationships. maybe kenma was giving him too much credit, unwilling to see the bad sides of his childhood best friend. maybe kuroo really was just an evil prick that was nice to kenma sometimes.

the blond looked up from the game in his lap, trying to rein in his scowl. too much analysing for one day. besides which, he had a more socialising next to be anxious about.

\----------------

"'hurry up, akaashi is very very hungry and desperately wants food' he said. liar. he wants food, the oaf," kuroo continued his commentary of their friends that he had kept up the whole walk to this restaurant. they hadn't been able to meet up for a couple months now, with schedules clashing and such, and kenma could tell he was excited to see the two friends. "we're literally around the corner, owl boy can shut up."

they were, in fact, only around the corner, and soon were in sight of the front door of the establishment. as they entered, kenma scanned the room for the two boys.

"oh my god!" kuroo whispered. kenma looked back at him to see where his gaze was directed. as he turned back around, dread filled kenmas gut. kuroo was staring straight at bokuto and akaashi at their table on the right side... and bokuto was kissing akaashi's cheek repeatedly. akaashi had a tiny smile on his reddened face. he looked smitten.

any other time, kenma would have found the scene gross (because all pda is gross) but quite sweet. right now, kenma wanted to turn on his heels and run away.

by his side, kuroo had tensed up completely. the two boys still hadn't noticed them yet. kenma took action.

"ok, nope," the blond grabbed kuroo's hand and walked out of the restaurant, already composing the apology text to the couple about kuroo's sudden illness. he thought about joking about them now being able to enjoy a nice date without it being a double one, but decided against it, thinking it to be in poor taste (even if the recipients didn't really know that).

the pair were silent for a couple blocks before kuroo seemed to reboot. "wait, wait, i want to see them."

"what?"

"ken, i still want to see them. they're my friends and i miss them."

"what are you going to say to them?"

"nothing. well, no i'll talk obviously, but i won't mention, you know. that." kuroo looked pale and wide eyed.

"what.. what do you think of them?" kenma tried to set his expectations as low as possible.

"well, i mean, it's, ahh, gross obviously. but, i still like them as people." kuroo wasn't meeting his eyes.

"nope, nope. no way. you're-" kenma loved kuroo but there was no way he was allowing him to say a single hurtful thing directly to his other friends.

"wAIT. you knew!?"

"yes, of course." kenma tried to keep his expression blank and his voice even.

"you- they. wait so its not that they didn't want to tell anyone about their, their t-thing. it-it was just me." kuroo leaned upwards and took several steps back.

"why would they have told you? when you openly and loudly mock people like that?" kenma fought to keep the anger out of his voice.

"i- what, yeah but. no this is different. they're some of my closest friends. kenma, what the hell?!"

kenma couldn't think of anything to say to that that didn't involve screaming or crying so he just kept walking, quickly, staring straight ahead.

\------------------

kenma had been avoiding kuroo for nearly a week. he felt like he'd lost a limb.

every few hours he'd go to text kuroo or find him or call him. it felt strange being alone for activities they'd almost always done together. if he was being honest, kenma hadn't actually realised quite how much he relied on just kuroo's presence to keep him sane.

in the 6 and a half days since they last spoke, kenma had been late to 4 lessons, 3 practices, one dentist appointment, and even missed dinner entirely one night. kuroo was a clock kenma had not realised he had. he was also a tall, familiar weight lying on his bed. a guiding arm around his shoulder, making sure he didn't walk into a road. he was also very pretty. as kenma stared from the bench at the side of the gym while kuroo started to put down the volleyball net, he wondered if it was easier to forgive people when you added distance. it felt like it.

he would need to start to leave soon so that kuroo couldn't walk home with him. the taller man had bags under his eyes and even messier hair than usual. kenma needed to leave.

by the time he was on his bed at home later that evening, kenma had almost entirely forgotten how empty kuroo's eyes had seem and sluggish his actions had been, as well as his algebra homework that sat in his unpacked bag.

the defeated music from his ds sounded as he watched his tiny character jump into the lava, almost willingly, for the 8th time in a row.

a knock at his door sounded. it didn't wait for his answer.

"ken, listen," kuroo sounded a lot more sheepish than usual. kenma didn't turn around. but he also didn't move his fingers to restart the game. a deep breath. "ken. no. wait, yes. ah." kuroo was pacing.

"kuroo if you don't stop-"

the captain stopped moving abruptly. "RIGHT. yeah no sorry."

there was an awful pause. then, "can i sit?"

no matter how shy kuroo had been when they were kids, kenma couldn't remember him ever asking that. kenma's fingers resumed tapping. "of course, kuro."

"oh right, course. chill. no yeah just wasn't sure- sorry." kuroo sat on the edge of the bed, as far as possible away from kenma.

"kuro, i don't hate you or anything. i've known you think like that for years." kenma flexed his fingers around the device before restarting. "it's terrible, but i already knew that. i was just giving you space to think things through."

"oh. ok. thanks." kenma's character died again. "ken, i just don't think i understand it. can you tell me it."

"what'd you mean?"

"ken, i- you know how my parents think. what they say. i want you to explain it. you're usually right about everything."

"explain what exactly?" kenma put the device down.

"like why its fine. like its gross. no wait its not gross. ok it is. i think it's gross but i don't want to think that. ken please help me think it's not gross."

kenma stared at his ds intently as he placed it down slowly and sat up and turned around. kuroo had gone home to change into an oversized hoodie that would probably make kenma disappear. his eye bags looked even worse up close and he was currently running a hand through his hair.

"kuro, it's-" fine. fine is what he was going to say. kuro couldn't go on thinking like this. it was tasking for kenma and was clearly taking a toll on kuroo as well. "kuro, guys can- like, it's not any different. it's exactly the same. guys can be with guys. girls can be with girls." kenma thought it best to leave other genders for another day.

kuroo's brows furrowed. "surely it's a bit different. like guys r bigger. and don't look as nice. well some do but that's only because they're in like makeup or something..." he trailed off, going a little red. kenma was sat up fully now, hands flexing, fighting against just hugging his idiot of a friend. "and like, it looks gross. and it's unnatural. and my dad says that-"

"oh my god, kuro, here!" kenma jumped at him, landing his mouth on top of kuroos a little too hard. kenma moved slowly, hands tight in that stupid hoodie he was definitely going to steal soon. kuroo was frozen beneath him for a couple seconds, before finally, finally moving. he was slow too, following kenma's lead, but his hand came up hold kenmas head still in-front of him as the other fell to his waist, positioning kenma sideways in his lap. his lips were chapped but not uncomfortable and he kissed deeply and carefully.

kenma wasn't really sure what had gone through his head to get him to this point. he had just wanted to show kuroo it was alright. just giving him the knowledge he had. but he was quickly starting to think this may have been a huge mistake. kenma could feel his pulse skyrocketing. yes he may have had the tiniest of crushes on kuroo, but he hadn't even thought about it like that. he had just wanted to give kuroo reassurance and undo what his parents had told him. but kenma had a hard time not staring at kuroo's general direction at the best of times and thinking about things he knows he shouldn't. he didn't need the added knowledge that kuroo was an incredible kisser to go with those thoughts.

he pulled back.

kuroo slowly opened his eyes. "th-that wasn't gross."

kenma let out a breath. progress he guessed.

"ken, i-"

"you need time kuroo, i know." kuroo's eye didn't look so vacant for the first time all week. his large palms were tight around kenmas waist. kenma looked down, breaking eye contact.

"maybe.. maybe in a while, like a couple weeks, you can show me that again." kenma looked back up abruptly.

"you.."

"ken, this whole week all i could think about was, well if bokuto and akaashi were allowed so was i maybe. and, and, i've always thought you were pretty ken, i just thought that was a normal, straight kind of observation. but as soon as i thought maybe i was allowed it, all i could think about was you." kuroo was so earnest it was unnerving.

"kuro, you can't go straight from homophobic to gay. i feel like you've skipped some steps here."

"i don't mind if you don't want me. i am awful and-"

"kuro," kenma sighed. "you need time. yes, you are awful. but you are good. and i believe you can change. but you need time." kuroo's eyes were wide and he was so so close. kenma left a quick kiss on his cheek before getting up. "and of course i'd want you. i love you very much." he added quietly.

kuroo stood up, following him, hand coming towards kenma's face. "nooO," kenma warned. "no. in time, kuro. time."

kuroo sighed and his face fell before settling on a sad smile. he nodded before opening his arms. kenma, despite himself, accepted the hug, listening intently to kuroo's beating heart. "time." kuroo agreed, whispering into kenma's hair.

kenma thought about texting akaashi about scheduling those double dates.

**Author's Note:**

> uugh i dont think the characterisation is good or accurate in this at all but thank you for reading. ive never written angst before its so hard lmao anyways hope this is ok 🥰 [twit](https://twitter.com/kenmaloml?s=09)


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